2 ways to prepare for a brother or sister
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Every child has longings for more time and more closeness with their parents! These longings are a big part of why it’s hard to want to go to bed at night, hard to get dressed to go to day care or to Grandma’s, and why it can even be upsetting to see Mommy or Daddy cuddling or talking on the telephone! Every child needs a chance to air his feelings about wanting more, indeed, about wanting all your time and attention.
A good way to help your child has two seemingly opposite steps. The first is to offer him Special Time during which you pour on your attention, your approval, and your closeness. You allow your child to choose what play he wants to do with you.
You can start Special Time by saying expectantly, “OK, we have fifteen minutes, and I’ll play with you any way you want to!” with a lively tone. Then, keep your attention focused on your child. Let the phone ring, and postpone your need to get a cup of tea during this time.
It’s surprisingly hard to do for us—because parenting is stressful, we almost always try to teach, try to direct, or try to get little jobs done while we’re playing with our children! What Special Time does is to help your child, and you, too, notice that you are paying loving attention and letting him make decisions for awhile.
The second important step is to notice when your child longs for exclusive closeness with you. Is it when new people are around? Is it when you both arrive at day care or at the grandparents’ house? Is it at bedtime, with pleas for story after story to keep you close?
When a child feels upset about a possible separation, however minor it may be, his feelings of needing you are ready to be released. He needs the reassurance that you love him and the chance to cry as long as possible to drain the reservoir of sadness about you going.
He can best do that with you close, telling him: “I’m going to leave, but I’ll come back. I’ll always come back to you.” Or, in the case of bedtime: “You’re safe here. I’ll be in the next room, and I’ll see you in the morning.” (See our article: “Healing the Hurt of Separation”) If your child feels safe enough, he or she will cry, and the listening you do will help heal that feeling of never having enough of you.
These two steps, repeated over time, help prepare a child for the challenge of a sibling’s demands on your attention.
Below, we’ve broken down some other common struggles parents encounter when raising siblings. In each section, you’ll learn some insight behind the behavior struggles and some ideas for how to intervene or prevent it.
Games to Help Your Older Child Feel Special
Foster More Good Times Between Siblings
When One Child Needs You and You Can’t Help Right Away
When One Sibling is Harsh Toward Another
A Good Policy for Ending Tension Over Sharing
Anticipating and Preventing Sibling Rivalry
Getting Support as You Raise Siblings